reflections of a mixed-race girl on a quest to find herself
I'm goin' in on my thoughts
but imma keep it brief
cuz ain't nobody got time for all that
S. spirit: Things that are on my heart that pertain to my #blackgirljoy
H. health: from diet to self care, I bring to light simple things I do to make life a bit more easeful
E. examine: dropping some knowledge as I go deeper into understanding who I am
LL. language of love: I’ll end each post with a favorite quote!
It started with heartbreak, as most adventures do. I was feeling low. Still feel low. Wondering if love is possible in a world that's falling apart, led by fascists who thrive on greed. And I'm not talkin’ that codependent, on the verge of losing yourself kinda love that's all too easy to fall into. I’m talkin’ independent, respectful, room-to-breathe, trusting and brave Love. The “You deserve a lover who takes away the lies and brings you hope, coffee, and poetry” Frida Kahlo kinda Love. Too much to ask? Maybe.
A relationship ended. I was going to visit an ex Berlin Beau and only days before I was to fly over, he got cold feet. So, I decided (with some bold words and support from my sister and friends) to use the ticket anyway and take a solo trip. Heartbroken and terrified, I began to trust that this trip is exactly what I needed. I've always wanted to travel by myself, and what better time than when I feel most vulnerable? Something tells me the Mothers would agree.
Now, some of ya’ll may be thinking, “Why Berlin? If you're starting this journey to better know yourself, shouldn't you start from the source n’ go back to Africa?” Well, yeah. Hopefully I'll make it there someday. But for now, I already had a ticket to Germany and it's $200 to change (I’m a Pisces and cling to any semblance of structure) so I listened to my gut. Also, another reason for me to visit Germany, if you check out my ancestry breakdown %-wise, Great Britain is way up there followed by Eastern Europe. (My grampa Steucek comes from the Czech Republic and gramma on mom’s side is French-Canadian. Dad’s side is Hopi and Choctaw Native American and black.) But who are we kidding? My ‘self’ is more than percentages, and my spirit is way greater than my physical being. Pero also, like, I owe you nothing. Not even this disclaimer.
Some questions I have before I leave: What is it that I have to give when so much of what I am is defined by race? People look at me and see race. They see oh this is a mixed race person. And they have nowhere to put me. Do I have somewhere to put me? Do I fit anywhere? Is it possible to have an integrated self when the world sees an unintegrated self?
I truly believe if I continue to be relentless on this never-ending process of healing and self-love, I will be a better person, and in doing so, the world will be better for it, too.
It started with heartbreak, as most adventures do, but I hope it to end with a kind of healing your mother would be proud of. My mother would be proud. I usually post a picture of her on Mother’s Day, but today, I’ve started a new blog written by me. Cuz I am her and she is me. Happy Mother's Day, mommy (Wendy Steucek Fort). And happy Mother's Day to me.
things I've packed:
- Jet Zone: homeopathic pills to take before, during, and after flight to help with jet lag.
- Tongue scraper: I know, kinda gross, but this thing is amazing! And keeps your breath fresh.
- Butt wipes: the bougie ones that smell like lavender
- Pack a tub of nut butter in your suitcase and a spoon (cuz I don’t wanna drop too much $ on food over there)
- Hot sauce. Cuz, duh.
- DoTerra oil:
Lavender spray: water with a few drops of lavender to calm me the f down
Deep Blue Muscle rub: I have bad sciatica and I know I’ll need it after the long flight. This stuff works wonders and smells delicious. (for more info, check out Dana, Co Owner at Corazón Healing Arts and wellness practitioner at doTERRA Essential Oils)
Vitamin E oil: to rub on lips and inside nose during the flight
- Drink water
- Rose water spray: fo yo face. stay fresh n so clean clean\
- DRINK MO WATER
This trip is the most bougie thing I've done in a while. Here I am, leaving right after the mess of 45 firing Comey. I recently went to an activist salon with some very progressive and influential people. Excuse me as I name drop, but these people are bad AF. My friend Julia Walsh, co founder of Frack Action who is saving the world with her heart of gold (alongside Mark Ruffalo with We Stand United). The people of Artists for Peace and Justice led by Kathryn Everett, Paul Haggis, Marissa Tomei and Ben Stiller- they’re doin’ the most. Swing Left (swingleft.org), who are also doing great things, (though I personally believe we need to be a bit more radical if we want any real change to happen, as opposed to voting the same centrist democrats into office), the incredible Natalia Aristizabal, of Make the Road NY, who was at the front lines at JFK when the travel ban was put into effect, and Congressman Nadler reminder us to call congress at 202-224-3121 and demand an independent special prosecutor and a bipartisan independent commission to investigate Trump’s collusion with Russia. Or, text “RESIST” to 50409.
I left the salon feeling heavy. I/we continue to fight and resist with the hope that we will someday rise above this small group of wealthy elites who benefit from structural racism. But they’ve put us against one another. This universal acceptance that beauty is calculated by one’s proximity to whiteness is paralyzing. I’m tired, ya’ll. so much work to be done at home, but right now, I'm gonna be a little bit selfish, and do. Me.
Lemme jus say I write this from an extreme place of privilege. I acknowledge that my light-skinnededness and first-world problems may not be at the top of everyone's list of 'things to follow'. But what's the point of black solidarity if I’m not willing to check my privilege. The fact that I even get to travel, to escape the horrors of 45's presidency, to take a break from the violence on black bodies in America, the water crisis in flint and black girls missing in DC, is a freedom that I cannot and will not ignore. The world is in a state of chaos. Fascists who feed on greed have no chill, and Mother Earth is crying. That said, writing this blog will hopefully bring me joy. And right now, that's what I'm on the hunt for. So, if I offend, cuz I'm not black enough, or it's a bit too bougie for your taste, or it doesn’t bring you joy, please please go somewhere else. Better yet, pick up a copy of "The Fire Next Time", or anything by Kia Corthron, Zadie Smith, Jamaica Kincaid, Morrison, and gain some real knowledge.
language of love
Today’s quote is from Frida:
“You deserve a love that wants you disheveled, with everything and all the reasons that wake you up in a haste, with everything and the demons that won’t let you sleep.
You deserve a love that makes you feel secure, able to take on the world when it walks behind you, that feels your embraces are perfect for its skin.
You deserve a love that wants to dance with you, that goes to paradise every time it looks into your eyes and never gets tired of studying your expressions.
You deserve a love that listens when you sing, that supports you when you act like a fool, that respects your freedom; that accompanies you when you fly and isn’t afraid to fall.
You deserve a love that takes away the lies and brings you illusion, coffee, and poetry.”
Peace and love,
P.S. Shout out to my girls who prepped me for this trip. From giving me a suitcase, books to read, hostel advice, itinerary making, chocolates, flowers, and too many tequila drinks; this trip is as much for you as it is for me.