xos

reflections of a mixed-race girl on a quest to find herself

I'm goin' in on my thoughts

but imma keep it brief

cuz ain't nobody got time for all that

S. spirit: Things that are on my heart that pertain to my #blackgirljoy

H. health: from diet to self care, I bring to light simple things I do to make life a bit more easeful

E. examine: dropping some knowledge as I go deeper into understanding who I am

LL. language of love: I’ll end each post with a favorite quote!

spirit

Yesterday felt a little bit like a dream. I woke up from a nap dazed. What day is it? Where am I and did I really just make this trip alone? I walked out of my hostel and sat outside at a sweet restaurant next door. The sun was shining, there was a cool breeze. I felt beautiful. At peace. It may have been the jet lag that made my body slow down, or maybe it was my heavy heart (heartache from this break up comes and goes in waves), whatever it was, I felt so alive and present. In that moment I wasn't black, white, mixed, or confused. I was simply me.  Present to the tart chardonnay, the sound of birds chirpping, teenage girls road their bikes past in a pack, the hum of a motorcycle, the hard wooden chair that held me up, and the colors.

I could write for days about how the colors popped. Yellows, blues, oranges-a lot of orange. Purple flowers and green trees line the cobblestone sidewalks. I was worried about my German. And by that I mean, I don't speak it at all. But everywhere you turn, there are layers of languages. Portuguese, Italian, Deutsch. I fit in. As my dad would say, "Be cool." I am cool. I feel pretty cool. and then you go to take a sip of water and it spills all down my shirt. Livin' up to my name. (One friend calls me "Mr. Spills".)

I made friends! My first friends abroad are these guys I met in my hostel (EastSeven Berlin on Schwedter Strasse). I'll call them Bo and Charlie to respect their privacy (even tho I kno they'd be thrilled to have a mention in my blog, ha). They're chill. From Portland and Chicago. It's nice to have company. They're going to help me plan the rest of my trip. Maybe Prague, maybe Crete? Who knows. The world is my oyster.

Today, I’m off to Checkpoint Charlie, the Jewish Museum, and the Topographie des Terrors.

health

• Jet Lag: No one told me to stay awake the first day you're over here. So, I took a nice dog nap that turned into a death nap (ya know, the ones where your limbs get super heavy and it's hard to stand up). 
  • Cure for jet lag is to eat, drink, walk a bit, meet friends in your hostel, eat, drink, repeat. 
    • Where I ate: PUNE, indian restaurant on Oterbanger street. I've never felt more like a disney princess. I literally had birds coming to my table to eat my rice. We shared a meal and I felt like Snow White. 
    • I'm gluten free. I know, gross! But I'm in Berlin, so I'm cheating. I tried beer for the first time in years yesterday. A Pilsner, I think. Not a big fan, but I'll give it another shot when I venture to a beerhall later this eve. I think if I pair it with Sausage and not Chicken Tikka I might like it better. 

examine

Stuff that traveling has brought up: How do I get better at making decisions and sticking to them? What excites me about meeting strangers? What do I like and what don’t I like...that’s the most important. Cuz like, I went to a museum yesterday, and as amazing as it was, I was just freakin bored. I’m not a museum person. I never will be, and that’s okay. Today, I’m riding my bike in Tempelhofer Feld and picnicking in the park. Much more my steeze.

Forget about levels of ‘wokeness’, let’s all just breathe and work on being present. Sounds hippy dippy, but it’s real. One of my mentors and friends (who is also my acting teacher) reminded me before I left how important it is for me to ‘fall still’ and allow myself to be in the moment and move through the experience one thing at a time. Easier said than done, but it’s the best advice I could have gotten.    

language of love

My heart still hurts. I'm a little confused as to how my relationship ended with my Berlin Beau. To be honest, I've never had someone just ghost on me without an explanation. I'm no longer under any delusions that a relationship with him is possible, although I had hoped friendship might have been a possibility. For the time we spent together, I thought he'd give me some explanation for his decision to completely leave me hanging only days before an international trip to a country in which I don't speak the language, or have any backup plans. Any reason! Like he had a girlfriend all along, dope. What we had was sweet, but honestly. Not. That. Deep. Do you, dude. Or maybe he thought I actually looked like an ogre and was just not attracted to me-I can sometimes look like Shrek, or even if he told me he was so in love with me that the idea of us having to part at the end of my Euro excursion would just be too much so let's end it before it gets too serious, I would understand. But nothing. I think I'm a little crazy, but my friends remind me his actions are not normal. That I deserve better. A friend told me to let him know I won't hold my breath for answer. I did. I'm hurt, but I'm not broken. I'll pick myself up and find peace, and I hope he can do the same. 

Today’s quote is from Susan Sontag:

I haven't been everywhere, but it's on my list. 

Peace and love,

xos